A silent year

No blogging this year so far and with only a few weeks remaining of 2009, this may be the only one.

While there may have been blog silence, my voice has been raised frequently throughout the year.
I have screamed, sobbed, yelled and also often used my quiet firm voice which is apparently very scary.

I have not always been heard. It seems that messages can be lost during the screaming, sobbing, yelling and scary quiet firm tones. Any vocal expression was only a manifestation of what I was hearing within me. Enough was enough. I was running but heading directly for the next brick wall which I stupidly flung myself at like a bird at a window.

Not all the year has been loud and scary. The first half was exciting, with the start of my uni studies. I also felt successful within my marriage and family having healed so well from betrayal. The children were beautiful, delightful and a source of pure pride and wonderment. Life was so fantastic.

A mid year discovery came as such a surprise. My healing had been based on a series of lies and this awareness swept away almost all progress I had made as an individual, mother and wife. The yelling and sobbing started at this time. Also the tremendous sadness that the beautiful life I had was just a farce.

The victim hat blew off pretty quickly. An attempt to extend a hand of forgiveness and friendship to a woman party to the betrayal made me feel like a total super chick. Love was felt for the surprise step child and a commitment to her is still current. The hand of forgiveness however was chewed off up to the elbow and the pain sent me insane.

Weightlessness arrived when I farewelled the husband from our home. The wedding rings are packed away in the draw and the relationship of being parents became the only focus. Well from my perspective anyway. The husband has hope that we will share a married life again. I have hope as well but know that it is an easy coping technique when grieving for the loss of a life with a history of so much joy.

To be in love with someone who is toxic seems quite unfair. So many live life without any love so who am I to complain about
only experiencing it with joy for just a few years. At least I have had it. At least I have grown each time I stand after the many falls. At least I now feel peace, control, happiness and excitement for a future path previously closed.

Life is beautiful. Most days I see and feel the beauty. The bad days are also present but my impatience for progress has set a habit of bad days being over and done with in 24 hours or less. The children are stronger and wiser. They have issues over being separated from me while they have nights with their father BUT I am not their only parent. My gift to them is denying myself the indulgence of their time so that they may maintain a connection with a parent who now has to spread his attention across the 11 souls he had a hand in creating.

Life is good. Life is hard. Life is worth getting out of bed and grabbing by the balls.
A successful life requires adequate sleep. Time to attend to this task which I now believe to be the key keeping away that heavy victim hat. One day it will blow all the way out to sea never to be seen again...but available for anyone who needs it.